In my experience as a profoundly deaf teenager in a mainstream school, for the first time, I must confess that it was very challenging. I wasn't used to a crowded classroom. At Deaf schools, you have 5 or 6 classmates but in the mainstream, 30 or 35. On my first day at Jan Van Riebeeck Primary school in Cape Town, I was excited to try this new challenge at the mainstream school. Suddenly I had 11 new friends and we were always together.
During intervals, we sat together on the grass in a circle. As a Deaf person, I felt left out most of the time because the conversations went on and on from different angles and persons. I became more silent and lonely. It was exhausting for me. I use my eyes for lip reading and felt totally exhausted after breaks, trying to follow every word my friends spoke, to feel part of the group. After the break, it was back to the classroom and nonstop focusing on the teacher's lips until the end of the school day. My head hurt so much because it is like watching tennis from left to right and left to right over and over. This concentration fatigue is a big thing. I have noticed the same eye-tiredness in Deaf people, around the globe. They are very sensitive to these words:
- "Nevermind"
- "It is not important"
- "I will tell you later"
Of course, we want to know what is going on around us and we are curious humans too.
There was a time when I felt extremely embarrassed when my friends ran away from me and I had not the faintest idea why they ran away, because I did not hear that one of them said: "Let's walk to the pool!". I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. Nobody is perfect. You constantly learn new things and move on.
I am going to share 5 tips on what to do when Deaf people feel left out in a crowded room, events, or restaurant and what Deaf people should do to have a better understanding of the world around them.
1. Always Ask
Lots of Deaf people always pretend to understand correctly but in the meantime, they really don't. I have been in such a situation numerous times where I pretended to understand but really did not have a clue. My embarrassment then causes me a lot of overthinking and stress. Always ask people to stop and repeat the conversation. It is okay to give the wrong answer, laugh at yourself, and try again! Hearing people love being shown by a deaf person how to improve their communication skills. Explain to them why you gave the wrong answer and laugh! Hearing people love it and they will appreciate it. One of the main things I have noticed about hearing people when they ask a question and the Deaf person answers the wrong question the hearing person said ''Okay". Remember they also not sure if they must explain it again. Ask them to repeat the question again.
2. Be Aware and Patient
It can be frustrating for us not to understand or follow correctly. Lip reading is a big fatigue thing. Sometimes lipreading confuses similar words but sounds different like "pear" or "bear" and the deaf person will give the wrong answer. Another example is "knight" or "night'. Homophones are no joke for us. Of course, it depends on the sentence but mostly when we read lips we pick up only the important words in a sentence. It depends on how our mood is. If we are fatigued, frustrated, and cannot take it anymore, we will need a break from lip-reading or ask to write down.
3. Use Technology or pen and paper
There are a lot of options that we or you can do to better the situation.
During my school years, I couldn't follow what my teacher talked about in a classroom. She/he will tell us to write down the notes from the board before the teacher proceeds to wipe-out the important notes on the chalkboard. I had to trust my friends to get the lost notes & information from them and write them down in my book.
When I meet a Hearing person for the first time, like a meeting or dating, etc, I am very nervous, that the Hearing person will not understand my deaf accent, I write sometimes a little note on my phone only when they don't understand me and then show to this person. This helps a lot and the new friend will learn your accent.
In a restaurant or at events, there is so much noise around you. Waiters, sometimes find it difficult to listen to my different accents but some understand me. Most of the time I show with my pointed finger on the menu what I want, and if it is written on a board, I take a picture and show this to the waiter to order what I want. We are lucky to live in this era where technology helps and supports us!
4. Consider being in a quiet and with light environment
My experience at events with a loud music background or at a club is the hardest and most difficult. There is no way you can find a quiet spot inside! Outside it is easier, but you don't want to stand outside and miss out on everything.
Light is very important for Deaf people. Without the right amount of light, it is terrible for me to lip-read. Even if it is a quiet place, sometimes it is not making a difference, and friends will try their best to bring candles or cellphone torches to help me read their lips. I appreciate it so much and it warms my heart. The only quiet environment is your home, a friend's house, or a cozy restaurant. Try your best to ask a Deaf person if he/she feels comfortable with the environment.
In the crowded rooms and Auditoriums like at University or College, it is best to sit in the front.
5. Learn how to communicate
If you meet a Deaf person or you have a Deaf friend/family, spend more time with them and it will become easier to talk with. Understanding a deaf person is a skill, so practice makes perfect! Some Deaf persons choose to talk or lip-read and others choose sign language and an interpreter. Every Deaf person is different. Just make sure that it is a face to face conversation, not too close, and speak normally like the way you speak. Every word has a beginning and an end. Pronounce every syllable. The deaf person will tell you to slow down if needed. Don't shout or be shocked or surprised that this person is Deaf and DO Not play the fool with them. You will only be making a fool of yourself in front of Deaf people. Deaf is definitely not dumb. Deaf people have a great sense of humor! Learn some basic sign language and this will be so appreciated by the Deaf people. It shows that you support sign language for the deaf community.
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I hope that this will help you to understand more about communication between deaf and hearing people and that if you see a Deaf person left out in a crowded room, always approach them and make sure to let her/him know where to go or which page to follow in the book, etc. Reassure them that you want to help.
My message for the Deaf people is: Always make sure to find the right friends, who understand and have empathy, because friends who ignore you and walk away from you are not real friends. A real friend is always there for you. Don't fight and try your best to make them happy. Happiness is not 'something' you find, it is hard work.
You have the key to the door of your own happiness. Open the door and follow your passion, do what you love, and remember that even the longest journey starts with the first step.
Love,
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Love your comments, I was brought up in a hearing world while I was wearing hearing aids in front of hearing people. From my experience, a lot of hearing people will make fun with deaf people because of their short temper and with the help of my mother who taught me to speak boldly and understanding how to handle such situations. I believe that a lot of deaf people's IQ is different, some may not understand, some may not accept it, some may want to make people feel sorry for them and most of all some likes to gossip and keep repeating other people's business and what you said in the paragraph "friends who ignore you and walk away from you are not real friends. A real friend is always there for you. Don't fight and try your best to make them happy". It's because of their subconscious in their minds that I find a community who has a small group prefer it that way. They prefer that kind of rejection and they prefer/love people to stand by them and to judge others which is not right. I've been there and I've tried to advise them to do the right thing. It's not an easy thing to do. Whether they accept it or not is their choice. Most of the deaf people I've met are immature. I love them but I can't judge them for who they are. Please comment what you think of this comment. I will appreciate your thoughts in regards Allen
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